; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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