i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
