This is not my ceiling
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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