RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
