I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
