At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
