I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
