two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
