i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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