did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
