Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
