she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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