the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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