i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
