im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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