This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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