yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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