You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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