I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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