I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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