I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
