I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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