Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
