Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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