I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Fuck appropriateness.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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