The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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