i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
