Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
