I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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