Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
