I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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