I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
