I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
