Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
