Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
