Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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