Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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