Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
