remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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