everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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