She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
