just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
