Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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