Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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