I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
