I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
