He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
