you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
