You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
