Need sex. Gaining weight.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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