HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
