I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
