please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
