im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
