There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
