You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
